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When the CLAT 2014 result came, I was numb. I had gotten a 1000+ rank when I felt like I had given my best paper. I was very disappointed with myself and was depressed for months. I wouldn’t go out or talk to anyone because of how ashamed I was. I cried for days together and shut everyone out. In the midst of all this, I decided to take CLAT again the next year. I got myself enrolled in Hindu College, Delhi University as a backup.
For the first month or so, I tried. I tried really hard to like this place which I wasn’t supposed to belong to. But this college and its people changed my life. I was still depressed for a couple of months. That was until I met this guy and this guy made me laugh so much, for the most random thing ever and I felt like I could be okay again. He made me realize that I should stop obsessing over what I don’t have and work with what I do. Safe to say, I started dating this boy^. And oh! What drama I created. *Eye rolls* I wouldn’t say yes because I thought “What good is going to come anyway? I will be leaving next year.” He didn’t give up on me, though. People told him that I was just ‘‘leading him on’’ or that ‘‘nothing good will come out of this fruitless pursuit’’. But the heart wants what it wants right? He did not give up. Slowly, I started to heal too. With a myriad of daddy issues and a view that people faked love and it wasn’t true, I began to look at love differently. Here was a great friend who loved me for me, who always makes me happy, who hates when I’m upset and the best- dreams my dreams with me, and I couldn’t love him the way I should have because I couldn’t make myself to love anyone. It was one day that I decided I couldn’t wait to be with him. I was at a wedding and dancing with people all around me and all I could think about was how much I wanted to dance with him. I asked him out the next day. BEST DECISION EVER!
The kinds of friends I have made in this one year are the kind I will cherish for life. They have given me their love, support and some amazing times. We would hardly ever go to class, chill at pam (Major Hindu chilling point), play UNO, get high, eat Shahi Paneer (I swear by the Old Gods and New that Hindu Canteen has the best Shahi Paneer ever), momos, chicken rolls, take each other’s case, eat some more, play, dance ridiculously (Boyfriend being a fabulous dancer to Arabian music) and basically have the best time of our lives. I also studied, sometimes a lot, sometimes a little and sometimes never. But I kept enduring till the end. There were times when I slipped up and stopped. Luckily, my dad pushed me. I would cry sometimes because I was tired of living this dream which was taking so long to come. I was also lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend. He would tell me to study all the time and sometimes it annoyed me (I wondered if he didn’t feel like talking to me anymore but in my heart I always knew it was because he knew how much I wanted to go to a law school). And so I did. Sometimes I did a very good job at it and sometimes I didn’t.
I know some of you think that love is a distraction. But it’s one of the best things to have happened to me. It has brought me so much clarity. You have this one person who is like your family, he supports you and your dreams, is always there for you when you need words of encouragement, loves you for who you are, makes your heart filled with butterflies, love and warmth, who makes you believe in the power of love, who makes you believe in yourself, who makes you think that you are much more than one failure, who makes you focus when you aren’t and who will always stand by you no matter what. It’s because of him that the sadness inside me went away. It as also because of my friends because I realized they loved me and believed that I could do it the next time.
On 10th May 2015, I took CLAT. The question paper had me befuddled. I was thinking “Was this even supposed to be part of the syllabus?” (I’m sure most of you thought that) But I attempted the paper anyway. I tried to do my best and not get distracted over the new pattern and difficult questions. I remember my dad asking me when I came out of my centre, “How was it?” and I said “I don’t know.’’ I knew I wasn’t going to be AIR 1 because had that been the case I would pretty much know while attempting. All I knew was that I would crack CLAT though it was not my best attempt. And I did. I got into one of the top 5 NLUs. I was really happy because all that I had done in this one year had paid me well.
Some of you may think that I shouldn’t have gone out so much, or spend time with my boyfriend and friends. But I think it was necessary. See, living a monotonous life filled with only books might get you rank 1 but it could also get you depression. Live your life, know what matters and put it on top, prioritize your life- career is important and so are you, do what makes you happy. 2014 was supposed to be one of my worst years in life but it wasn’t. I had love and I had a very good support system. I thought I was in a pit and I couldn’t come out. But I did. I had an amazing year and I don’t regret anything I have done.
I am supposed to leave for my college day after tomorrow and it’s really hard saying goodbye to everyone. I’m an army brat and I was cool with moving on. But this year I made new friends, strengthened my relationship with the old ones, fell in love and it’s breaking my heart to leave all of them. All this long distance will be hard, hanging out won’t be often but the quality would remain the same. My love for each one of my friends and family will remain the same (increase more like it). Whatever happens, I’m writing this to cherish the love I have for the people who have given me such priceless joys in life. Thank you so much everyone. And thank you my lovely goof, you’ve made me laugh like I’ve never laughed before, love like I’ve never loved before and enjoy life as it gets and not crumble when things get hard. I will love you forever and always.