[Written by Veera Mahuli, this article was published on CLATGyan in June 2011. She had cracked NLU Jodhpur through CLAT 2011, but went to ILS Pune so as to stay back home and prepare for CLAT 2012. And now, she made it to NALSAR with a Rank of 64 in CLAT 2012. We republish this as it, undoubtedly, deserves to be read again – Asad]
Everyone is fit for a second chance. My class 10th boards had just wrapped up and I was disposed to accomplish multifarious things, all as different as chalk is to cheese. Psychiatry, biotechnology, masters in politics/economics/psychology, Indian foreign service, journalism, linguistics, art history, criminal investigator (:P) etc. Turmoil. Chaos. Name it and I had a sudden predilection for it. The day of the results turned up, and I hadn’t made any progress on the decision front. I filled in the preference form for all three streams. A month long of deliberation and head scratching and I decided to take up Humanities/Arts. Why? Simple. I just felt like it. That’s my reason behind doing precisely everything in life. It probably sounds lame, immature and pointless and too casual, but it’s one hell of a reason to do something. My first two days in an HSC Arts college and I hated it. Out of practically nowhere I was scared, I started having second thoughts. But this fear that crept into me, it was of a different kind. I liked experiencing it. It felt good to take a risk, to not know what lies in store!
A friend of mine, while we were engaged in one of those ‘what after 12th’ conversations informed me about CLAT. I did some research. And I knew this is what I wanted. Again, the same old reason. I waited for a while, what if I wasn’t just enough passionate about it. But I was apparently. More than I have ever been about anything. So I took the first steps, enrolled into a coaching centre, made aesthetic time tables- a new one each week, because I never stuck to one(:P), bought fancy stationery and made plans. Good ones. Big ones. I seemed to know the right things to do but I never did them in the right way! Or so it seems. Guilt pangs, mood swings, hair pulling sessions, nights spent staring at the ceiling, finding everything and everyone annoying, tiresome, painful and guilt-inducing got me nowhere. Of course. Why did I go through all this- I don’t know! Nobody understood either. Was I too hard on myself? Toomany expectations? Or the fear of underachieving? Why was I such an ass/(idiot)? Whatever. The point being, I don’t need to know right now! I don’t have to figure it out! That’s the beauty of answers. They come to you at the right time, when they have to! All I know now is that I still want to do what I wanted to a year back. Probably much much more now than then. If nothing else, I rake immense satisfaction in the fact that my passion is alive and yes, I call the shots! And that’s what I need. Because I know as long as you are passionate about something you end up doing it right!
My prep for CLAT 2011 wasn’t the hardest I have ever worked. My rank might get me into a good law school. But I won’t go. This time because I don’t feel like. My method of taking important life-decisions might get a sceptical response but, hey it works for me! It worked out then and probably it will now! I have been told taking a drop is stupid and that I will be missing out on a golden opportunity. But my golden opportunity will be studying in NLSIU/NALSAR. You want what you want and you have to get it!
As I write this article I feel the same fear. And it thrills me, I live for this thrill. It tells me I am getting it right. I may or may not make it next year. I’ll curse myself if I get a rank which isn’t even as good as what I have now. But I’ll get over it. However, it will prick me all lifelong if I don’t give my dream, myself, a second chance. The bottom line is I have to do it and the only way out is to be happy about it!
It’s okay to screw up. It’s okay to be unreasonable. Nobody is judging you! And like I said, second chances are deserved by everyone. You should just feel like it!