Lost in My Mind (submitted anonymously)


This article has been submitted anonymously for the CLATGyan Blog Post Writing Competition. If you think this article is a good read, ‘Like’ this article on Facebook (the button is at the bottom of this piece) or post a comment using the ‘comments’ section below. The author is a crazyy seventeen-year-old, quite similar to the goner in his article. He is a dreamer who wishes to score well in the CLAT. He easily gets high on good songs.


Hurt not the mind, it will have its revenge with intelligence.

Hurt not the flesh, after all the mind controls the flesh.

Hurt not to kill for your mind will hurt your guilty self to death.

Hurt the place the mind can’t reach.

But the mind reaches everywhere!

“Every Teardrop is a Waterfall” (Coldplay) is pounding somewhere in the background. I don’t know why but it has been playing on repeat for the last 48 hours. Maybe the tune intoxicates me or maybe the last few days have left me utterly blank and confused, my emotions tossing me about like a ship in a storm. I am sitting in the living room. It’s eleven in the morning. It has been a full hour and a half since I woke up. The vodka bottle is already half empty on the table along with the bottle of olives.   It is dark inside with curtains drawn across every window in the house.It’s probably bright as hell outside but I have let the darkness within me engulf the room as I wait, firmly resolving not to melt when she comes. Yes I’m waiting for her now after having fought over the last 2 days. Driving her mad yelling, gently persuading, whimpering and even begging with desperation! “Break up!” “Please, this is killing us both.You’ve got to dump me.” “Break up,this is killing me.”  “YOU have to fucking break up! How you can be so dumb! You have to do this!”

Well this morning she said it.“Iwon’t end this on a cell phone. I’m gonna come over, kiss you for the last time and then break up with you, slap you once and leave.” That utterly broke me! She was gonna kiss me and then break up with me! The same dream from last night but now it was a nightmare! I felt like I was going tocollapse! That’s when I found the bottle and downed a quarter of its contents. The drink did its job all right! I remembered why I was so hell bent on breaking up. Well it’s simple. For the past 2 months I had been kicking my brains trying to understand what had prompted me, but a week back I got it in a single stroke.  I have this amazing ability to hurt those who care for me!  Look at my poor and utterly worshipping girlfriend! Well I kinda lost interest in her and nearly cheated on her and even hurt my other “lover”.

Then I had a great insight. Maybe I should dump this whole idea. Loving someone and caring for someone other than myself was beyond me. Perhaps this might change later but as of now I should be content with my books and songs. That would save me a lot of trouble and save others a lot of pain too. Maybe it had all become too much for me, juggling emotions, not just mine but theirs as well. And I decided to end it but then came the problem I had not managed to predict. That she may melt me!Then I went into the shower, a bottle of Old Monk in my hand, the bottle of vodka long gone and hidden away in my secret nook. It was really cold water and I was trying to get drunk. WellI was going crazy! “I’m crazy! I’m crazy crazycrazy!” (Chuckling and grinning) “ LOL!! It’s painful to melt at the last moment” “YES pain might remind me !” The blade lying near the sink grabs my attention. Two seconds later both my triceps are letting out rivulets of blood. “Remember the pain” I whisper to myself. A punch to the wall!“The pain!”“I should not melt!”

My head’s going crazy. I am hallucinating. Someone’s knocking on the door. I run out wet and don a hoodie to hide the cuts. There is no one at the door. I slowly hide the half empty bottle of rum and walk back to the hall. I stand in the middle to the room. I’m dripping water all over the living room. It’s a marsh but I stand right in the middle. Staring straight at the door. I’m waiting. The tune in the background is pounding in my ears, becoming part of my mind and soul. I know I’m not drunk. I’m just lost. The past three days seem like one to me. My shoulder sags. My body crumples. I lie in my own puddle and wait for her to join me in it. I wait for her …

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