Despicable Days

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This article has been submitted by Samyak Sibasish for the CLATGyan Blog Post Writing Competition. If you think this article is a good read, ‘Like’ this article on Facebook (the button is at the bottom of this piece) or post a comment using the ‘comments’ section below.

It’s yet again. Proof that I’m totally unreliable for myself.

Now when I’m just a few days away from setting forth on the long-awaited journey of my career, I realize that I am not yet ready for it. I’m not yet done with the most important things of life, to be able to start my journey with an uncluttered mind.

My roughly written tribute to Rahul Dravid is still waiting on my laptop, languishing woefully, owing to my desperate attempt to finish it off before I leave. The article on Sachin and his 100th ton that I want to finish before going on the trip, is stuck at the beginning. Plus, I had planned on writing about the implications of his nomination to the Rajya Sabha and the pros and cons of the IPL. (Yes, you guessed it right. I am a die-hard cricket fan! ) Everything’s either unfinished or yet to start.

The worst thing about being me these days is that exaggeration doesn’t seem wrong. I have become so much addicted to exaggeration nowadays that I have exaggerated things to myself. Things like I’ll be able tell this to this person or that to that one, in time, without being much sure about it either. Things that waste my time the most. (no, it’s not Facebook. It’s wondering about what I should do to prove people wrong, to remove their misconceptions about me or rather my ability, and how?) The frequency at which I’m getting weird ideas now-a-days is alarming. Almost every day I get around two or three new ideas about how to go about proving things to people in life and what happens afterwards is really terrible. I waste four to five hours working out around the idea, getting excited and nervous about it all the while. And when I finish, I think I will do something about this before the end of this week at least, or plan out my way of retaliating and all. But then, all the ideas and plans go kaboom and I end up feeling frustrated. The ‘rebel’ in me has not yet died out, it is rather bubbling with energy to come out in its real force and I think, more than just a weird person about to end my teens, I am eager to become a ‘rebel’. A rebel who is out to prove something about his abilities to people. But not too soon. Sometimes, in fact, many a times, this very thought freaks me out. But why? Why exactly?

Decisions need to be taken practically, and as far as I think, cracking AILET and taming CLAT was on the priority list a few weeks back, followed by one month of travel and fun and then possibly, to start a new life, in whichever law school I get. But now that all of that is done and I have given my best shot at those exams, I keep on wondering on what exactly I need or want in life. What exactly should I do to remove all the dirty stains of the past one year? The past one year, where I have been ridiculed by one and many, for not being able to able to qualify for the “grandmother of all engineering entrances”, IITJEE. The past one year, where people who were once dear to me have said stereotypical things like, “Tu okilati padhibu? Micchha ta tate kahibaku padiba tahale!” , which translated into English, roughly means, “So, are you planning to go for Law? You have to learn to lie, then!” (That was in Odia. :P) The very same past year, where my distant relatives have likened me with that failed and drug-addicted college drop-out neighbour of theirs. Yes, the very same year when people have asked me to take up B.Ed courses in some stupid colleges in the vicinity of their place, where they wouldn’t even remotely dream of enrolling their sons or daughters. Why? All this because I just failed to get into any of the IITs?

Who are my friends? Who should I trust? The ones who are now placed in one engineering college or the other, and look down upon me as the batch mate who didn’t have the guts to drop a year and re-take the JEE and rather preferred the ‘easier’ route out, CLAT? Friends who made me feel like a loner, this entire year? Friends who never bothered to interact with me, after getting into some crappy regional engineering college?

And then I stop thinking abruptly, and play with my apparently wonderful interests and experiment with all the ideas to prove them wrong, that are circling my head.

Regarding the journey, I so desperately wish to complete my ‘by now a yearlong’ self-introspection, before beginning it, so that I can have a journey with an uncluttered mind. But alas, things always get screwed up, when I’m not disciplined. As far as my calculations are concerned, I think, I would be able to finish that within a week from now. But then, I have always messed up with my calculations. I know that it will take more than just a week to banish all these FML thoughts from my mind. People who stand by me these days, tell me that I don’t need to ‘prove anything to anyone’. I think that is all bullcrap. Sometimes, you need to show people who once meant the world to you, that you are not as big a piece of shit as they think you are. But sometimes again, I do think, do I really have to prove something to my so-called ‘detractors’, like really?

Anyway, I hope after writing this note and partially giving vent to the thoughts that have been haunting me for a good while now, I can garner the necessary courage and guts I need to face some things (or rather, some persons ) in life and set them alright.

Amen.

27 COMMENTS

  1. Well written, man. Umpteen questions pop up in my head all time. Just like you. And probably many other CLAT aspirants.
    There are no answers, I think.

    • Thanks, man! 🙂

      I second you when you say that probably, there are no answers! Got to accept some things and move on! Anyway, 28th May 2012 is just round the corner. After that, I guess the frequency of such questions popping up might just reduce a ruddy hell lot!

  2. JEE destroy many lives…m one of dem…very well written article nd so true ..about ppl nd frnds changing wid tym …just WOW ..:)

    • Well, JEE didn’t destroy my life in any way. But in people’s perception, it did. 🙂 But, I am now, all gung-ho for CLAT! 😛

  3. I’ve been in exactly same situations !
    Where everybodyz casting their doubts on your abilities, and it becomes ‘the most important’ thing to prove them wrong!!
    Take this challenge in good spirits .. God’s way of testing one’s mettle !
    Good luck 🙂

  4. crafty written…lucidly speaks the content it has… the things that you are going through most of the CLAT aspirants re also in the same boat…. having said that at times we over speculate(not that you are) as to what the 2nd or 3rd person thinks and talks about us…when on ground it may be antithetical to it…

     “Don’t let these things shatter you. Be the man of your principles. Society is mirage. Your life is yours. Your principles are yours. Your faith is yours. Trust thy self. These incidents happens, will happen. BE yourself. Learn. Experience. Apply.”… advice quoted from- The Prince by  Niccolo Machiavelli… forwarded to me when I was going through the same…by a facebook friend of mine…who now is a brotherly figure. 

    • Well, after this, I will definitely get myself a copy of the above-mentioned book and start reading it. Like, seriously. 🙂 Thanks!

  5. Rebel fact. i empathize with you. There is this animal in all of rebels like u and me that keep jumping inside us and provokes us TO PROVE TO PEOPLE WHO WE ARE.  :/ 

      • I wish i knew it…. though it is easier said than done…..but i believe we should not bother what people think about us. after all life gets easier when people just stop expecting anything from us….. isn’t it? :))

  6. very well written… really, some people come up with such ridiculous suggestions that you feel like boxing them straight in the face. Another thing, about that lying bit perception regarding lawyers…i wonder why people just refuse to stop this bracketing business, i have heard weirder opinions(believe me!)

    • Stereotypical opinions, people have! Many people I have met think that as a lawyer, you are duty-bound to lie. What they do not see is that, these days, even after studying law for 5 years, people don’t even opt to be a ‘lawyer’. 😛

      And yeah, can you share those ‘weirder’ opinions? Would be fun to read those, I think. 😀

      • sure..one person i heard thinks women should not become lawyers since it means they will fight in courts which is so against ‘naari ki garima’…some people visualize lawyers as vampires; ‘money thirsty’ vampires , some think having to go to court so frequently is in itself a disgrace( obviously, irrespective of where you stand in the court room)…some find it plain boring having to wear black and white your entire life..some are still stuck with the age old image of a ‘vakeel babu’ which is oh so less glamorous than an MBA guy with a ‘happy dent white’ ad kind of a smile..these obviously not from my family, which is replete with individuals from the sphere, but certain individuals who feel they are more enlightened on the career…(obviously evident..)

  7. Extremely well written piece, this Samyak!! I kinda got lost in thoughts, as I too have a similar story to narrate,but thank god, you did it!! 🙂

    Come this 28th of May, I look forward to borrowing some of your words. 🙂 

  8. man this felt so much like ma story .. and i thought i was the only one ,but i realised there are so many ppl with ma same stories …lookin forward to meet all souls with condition as same as mine…

  9. good one sam 🙂 this sounds like more or less every dropper’s story who are subjected to ridicule at one point of time….but the fact is ….end of the day WE ARE THE ONES WHO WILL BE SAVING THEIR HEAD 😉

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